LaGuardia Airport :: An Angry Empty

We know it’s kind of pointless to be reviewing an airport. Unless you’re an Empty Reviews writer or play third base for the New York Yankees, you probably aren’t wealthy enough to afford to choose which airports you fly to and from. Still, we’ve been told that the best Empty Reviews are the angry ones.

I recently found myself at LGA sitting at the only open table, which was the ketchup-slimed one next to a garbage can that reeked of onions. I was stealing a glimpse of the Red Sox/Blue Jays game at the neighboring cafe that was occupied by your favorite airport elitists. The douchebag with the comb-over and the gaudy gold watch. The bitch wearing the dark sunglasses inside praying to her god that the black ladies reading the cafe menu decide to go to McDonalds instead. My friends, I was in the perfect place to write an Angry Empty.

What a fucking shit hole this place is. First of all, my flight getting in was a full 2.5 hours and change late (thanks, United) and how was I greeted when I finally got off the plane? By the faces of 100 assholes packed by the door waiting to get on the fucker! Hello, New York!

I made my way past the guy who sat next to me and was up against me the whole fucking flight. I didn’t go out of my way to look sexy this morning, but seriously, the guy was touching me the entire flight. Gay weird, as the French might say. I approached the ticket counter where a United representative, “A Young" his nametag told me, was beating on a computer terminal like a rented mule.

“Yeah,” he says.

“I was on that super late plane right there and I missed my connection to Manchester,” says I.

He scribbles on a piece of paper and says, “You gotta go over there, down there, through security, outside, and US Airways will take care of you.”

Thanks? Oh, and a great big thanks to all of the folks at United for NOT ONCE APOLOGIZING for being super fucking late all day long. But to be fair, it’s not like we, the passengers, were all on time and standing there waiting for two stewardesses to show up for 45 minutes. Oh wait… Sorry, that happened in Denver, back to LaShittyia…

So I’m wandering LGA like a 6-year-old lost in Macy’s, trying to find any sign of US Airways. Couldn’t do it. Apparently at LGA if you need to go from United to US Airways, to airlines that frequently share passengers,  you need to “walk as far as you can down Terminal B, go down the stairs, stick your thumb up your ass, go outside, turn left, dodge fifteen cabs, walk a half-mile, and you’re there.” Simple! Any immigrant who speaks marginal English should have no problem finding it! Upon stumbling to this oasis of a terminal, I was surprised to find no line. What a stroke of luck, finally!

A kind woman, who was quite clearly overworked and at the end of her shift told me, “Oh, they took care of you and put you on the 7:30pm flight to Manchester.”

“How nice of th—“

“But THAT one is two hours late.”

Of course it is.

Before I finally left, I witnessed something I had never seen an airline do before. Like everyone that works there, the aircraft I was supposed to take from LGA to MHT was having some problems. Originally we were supposed to leave at 7:30. That was delayed until 9:30. Later, it was delayed again until 10:15. Then they finally dropped the delay time and we wound up getting on the plane at 8:30. I didn’t know they could do that. If I had done something other than sit at the gate and scribble down hatred in my Moleskine, I surely would have missed the flight and gone berserk.

Because I’m awesome, I managed to spend only $20 in my first three hours at LGA and stay sober. Not an easy task in any airport if you’ve never tried it. I bought a quarter-pounder, some pens, a pack of gum, and Dunkin’ Donuts. All so I could sit down and tell you all that yes, I’ve been to worse airports (St. Louis), but not many. Saying that I’d prefer Newark should tell you all you need to know.